Sunday, January 27, 2008

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

I got this from my brothers friends when they got back from a trip to the States and I love it! Maybe not for all the right reasons though.

Steven Seagal has made one good movie, the rest is just different sorts of crap and I have to say that this energy drink perfectly symbolizes the majority of his movies; it tries too hard to be cool, it's full of obscure Asian references, it has a stupid and more or less meaningless name, it looks cool at the first glance but doesn't hold up to scrutiny and it's contents tastes funny, do very little good and leaves a weird taste in your mouth.

Just read the "quote" on the can from the man with the kung-fu can-can himself, Mr Seagal: "A natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals".

"Exotic botanicals?" I know what it means but come on, could you be any more pretentious?

As for these exotic botanicals the one thing that I guess that Seagal hopes will bring the masses to drink this gunk are the Goji Berries. As far as I can understand Goji Berries are indeed very nutritious but there are, as usual, ways to make a fool and his money part ways. I'm not saying that this drink doesn't have enough Goji Berries to enjoy the benefits but then again, the can doesn't specify how much "Goji Berry extract" there is either.

Next up on the list of exotic botanicals is a funky fungi, "Asian Cordyceps". Wikipedia has among other things this to say:

If a Cordyceps fungus attacks a host, the mycelium invades and eventually replaces the host tissue, while the elongated fruiting body (stroma) may be cylindrical, branched, or of complex shape.
Sounds nice.

The labeling on the can is a bit misleading though as I'm pretty sure the cordycep that's in this drink is the so called vegetable caterpillar and not just any old cordycep. This little feller is even more tasteful than the generic cordycep. The fungi infects a certain type of caterpillar and kills it under ground, close to the top soil. Then...
the dark brown to black fruiting body (or mushroom) emerges from the ground in spring or early summer, always growing out of the forehead of the caterpillar.
And I put this stuff in my mouth!

There's a load of other crap in this one as well but I can't go on any more as I'm starting to feel nauseous.

If the sister drink, the Cherry Charge, also contains the bastard offspring of a killer fungi and a hapless caterpillar then I'll pass on drinking that one. The can always has a place in my collection but the drink goes down the drain.

Gag!

3 comments:

GreatBeefalo said...

Excellent review! I saw a can of this in Wal-Mart (I live in Texas) and had to try it. It wasnt revolting, but it wasnt exactly appetizing either. The Cherry Charge tastes like the other crap, just with cherry syrup lacadaisically mixed in.

Martin said...

Hiya GreatBeefalo!

Thanks for the feedback, it's nice to know that I'm not missing out by not tasting the Cherry Charge. :)

Mantis Hugo said...

Goji berries are undoubtedly one of the most nutritious foods for humans. I prefer drinking Goji Berry Juice in the morning to beverages like coffee and tea. Thank you for sharing the information.